Remembering Pregnancy Loss- by Olivia Hinebaugh

So it seems last month was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and Olivia Hinebaugh wrote a particularly touching article for mothering.com entitled Remembering Pregnancy Loss.  She was able to put into words many of the feelings I remember experiencing that I struggled to define and explain. 

I do not share my experience with everyone, and I try to be selective about who I share it with and how I share it. But, I am not always careful enough, and there have been one or two times that I have regretted it. Interestingly, it has always been with women who have suffered a miscarriage themselves. Not everyone, it seems, feels a deep emotional pain of loss with early miscarriage. But I do. I didn't know how to explain it before, but Olivia's words were perfect: "But when I saw that line [confirming that she was pregnant], my heart made some extra space for that baby--a space that is still there, still empty." 

Later she says, (emphasis mine)

"My friends who knew I was pregnant did their best. They said: “You’ll have another,” and “it wasn’t meant to be.” But I loved this baby. How could they say that? I wanted a sympathy card. Or flowers. Or acknowledgement that I hadn’t made this whole thing up. One of my friends heard of the miscarriage and immediately came over and fixed me dinner. This was truly a kindness. My grandmother sent me an email of condolence. I saved it. I saved the home pregnancy test. I saved the onesies and the bib. I needed to know that this baby was real and that I loved it.

When I hear that friends of mine have lost a pregnancy. I remember how I felt. I write them a card of condolence. I give a little memento for their baby. Something they can look at. Something to know that it was real. Perhaps my friends don’t need these to grieve, but in case they do, they know that I grieve with them and remember their baby."

I love these suggestions and wish I had thought of them myself when I found out a friend of mine was suffering though this experience. 

If you have experienced early pregnancy loss, or if you are close to someone who is experiencing pregnancy loss, I recommend you read this piece in its entirety.  To some, pregnancy loss is not a big deal, but it was for me and for Olivia and it may be for you- and that is a perfectly valid feeling.